A Post About Teen Mom: How Embarrassing For Me.

If you've read anything I've ever written on here you might be acutely aware of my lack of shame. Yes? Maybe? Well that carries over to my creepy love of reality tv. YEAH OKAY I am twenty-six years old clenching my jaw over teenaged girls living bougie ass lives..I see the issue, maybe. I'm probably just a hater because if I popped a baby out of my twat right now the reaction wouldn't be that of a six-figure salary & a tv spot. It would be more like 'geesh finally...does she even know who the dad is, though??'. So yeah I'm about to go in on this show. You can read and agree or step on out of the kitchen.

Janelle: Oh girl where do I even begin. The eyebrows?  Girl step away from those tweezers and embrace your natural, non shrimp-like arch. How about her loser ass man? When a guy wears the same green hoodie everyday & tells you he took SOME cooking classes so he's qualified to 'walk into any kitchen and flip dem burgers' you should maybe move on. When you  met him he had on a puka shell necklace for fuck's sake. You guys belong far, far apart. It was some bullshit how you laid hands on him first and threw your friend's life savings in pennies at him, though. Domestic violence is a two way street, young lady! Go home & take care of your baby for real. Here is a tip: if your mom is raising your child & you want to prove competency, maybe don't scream in her face while holding your kid. Also you should probably get up off your ass instead of crying into your VS Pink hoodie and take care of him for ten god-dammned minutes. He already has a weird ass loser for a dad, give the kid a chance. Leave the weed to the adults who have no kids and just want to roll a jay and watch your show on a Tuesday night, OKAY?!

Chelsea: Ohhhhh dear Chelsea. As someone who considers leopart print a neutral, you're ruining it for us all. If you want to mold a spot on that couch in the shape of your ass & chill in full hair & makeup and ratty ass sweatpants all day, you do you. Just a thought though..maybe GET YOUR FUCKING GED ALREADY. Your dad is a dream. You took some dweeb's dick and popped out a grandchild at sixteen years old and the man pays your rent & keeps your extensions fresh & showers you in zebra print!!!! All he asks is you get your GED & go learn how to do hair or nails or what the fuck ever & don't let your analbead of a baby daddy freeeload on his dime! GET UP AND DO SOMETHING. I'm not going to front like having a baby is easy because what do I know but Kailyn is doing school & two god damned jobs and no one is paying her rent (well I guess the state is now). No excuse! Adam is a tiny little worm who will never change & will never get a hat that doesn't make him look like a guy who would try to put something in your drink at a kegger. MOVE ALONG, YOUNG ONE. Also someone needs to fire the intern who did the editing on the last episode based on that lack of continuity. Am I supposed to not notice her bleach blonde to honey blonde to brown low-lights hair changed in a 48 hour period??? (PS the honey blonde was best you should have stuck with that....bleach + those bangs + orange ass skin...girl).

Leah: I was rooting for you!!! You always seemed like the normal one! How the fuck you were taking care of two infants yet maintained stage makeup and Beyond the Mason-Dixon Line Hair is admirable. Yeah sure, Cory is dumber than a box of hair but the man has a job & loves you & dem babies! I looked past the John Deer camo hat! He got a straight up hall pass for that. You were saying how you had dreams & aspirations & got a full time job & then what the fuck happened? SPOILER ALERT she cheated on Cory & is now re-engaged & pregnant again. Honey you need to sloooooow the pace. Nineteen years old, divorced, three children with two dads...baby you are on a slippery slope into Big Gulps at 9am, smoking cigs while your oldest wrangles baby #8 that you had for the tax return money.  Also can you speak the fuck up?? Why are you whispering?

Kailyn: I don't have much shit to talk on you. I am holding out hope for you, actually. You're doing the best you can for real.  You should maybe stop talking shit about welfare but I digress. If you touch that hair of yours I'll head over to wherever in bumblefuck PA you are and dunk your head in the sink until you come to your senses. Also..stop getting tattoos. YES I creeped your twitter. If Chelsea wants to be covered in hibiscus flowers & tatted on eyebrows you need to step back from the chair and say 'not today..not today'. Good for you for getting Mirena and keeping your ass sterile for some time. Also way to go with writing that letter to Jo's mom & I'm sorry that her lollipop head having self was stank to you. Yeah so you dated someone else while living under her roof...her bug-eyed son dumped you & banished you to the basement & probably laid pipe with tons of girls while he is 'recording his album'. Stay far away from the other girls & you're gooooood to go.


So there's my abridged (?) thoughts. I feel like I need to take a long walk along a lake to balance out & stare at my reflection in the water & re-evaluate my life right now. Take it up with nature, you know? I blame it on this week's double feature of this quality program. It was two hours of slanty-eyed stares, eyerolls, me talking at them through my teeth & taking breathers during commercials. Maybe next week I'll post about Jersey Shore but really the post would just be "Everything was greasy & smelled like a go-go dancer. Post over'.